Conflict Diamonds I
"I had my turn signal on."
That's exactly what she said in response to my disdain for her driving skills after ripping by me and hastily cutting into a parking lot right in front of me. First, she came very close to clipping me while passing. Second, if I had not been paying very close attention and had anticipated this move, she would have at least gotten t-boned by my front wheel.
I managed to keep on the brakes, issue a very loud "WHOAH" and make a nice swerve into the lot without crashing into this foolish person's car. That was when she had the gall to mention her almighty turn signal that apparently allows her to make any asinine manuevers in her blue wheeled coffin with nicotine-stained windows. In response she was informed that if I had been in my pickup truck she NEVER would have even thought about trying that kind of idiotic manuever. Her wheezy emphysemic husband then decided to issue a few expletives while rolling up the passenger window in some strange and feeble attempt to protect himself.
As I started to laugh and pedal away, the driver started screaming at me again about her omnipresent turn signal. I couldn't pass up another round of laughter at their expense, so I turned back and asked her just exactly what she didn't understand about almost injuring me due to her ineptitude. She then issued some expletives of her own and was asked again what her malfunction was. That was when she produced the crown of her security blanket package, the almighty cell phone along with a statement that she was calling the police. I called this "pathetic", which wheezy answered with a "Go to Hell." I answered that with, "You're already in hell, pal...you're sitting in it."
As I was pedaling off and Ms. Almighty was placing her call to the local constabulary, I couldn't help but think how that conversation was probably going:
911: 911, what is your emergency?
Alma: This man just threatened me!
911: Where did this occur?
Alma: In my car!
911: Where is your car?
Alma: In a parking lot!
911: What is the address of the parking lot?
Alma: I don't know! How am I supposed to know that?
911: Look around at the business and name some of them.
Alma: I see a Burger King.
911: What street is that Burger King on?
Alma: How am I supposed to know that?
911: Look at the street sign and tell me what street.
Alma: It's Main Street.
911: Ok, is the person who threatened you still there?
Alma: No, he left.
911: How did he threaten you? Did he have any weapons?
Alma: He yelled at me! I didn't see a gun but he might have had one, you never know.
911: What did he say?
Alma: He said I was a crappy driver!
911: Why did he say this?
Alma: Ihadmyuturnsignalonandhetriedtopassmebythecurbandialmosthithim (gasp) andthenhestartedyellingatmeandmyhusband!!!!
911: What kind of vehicle was he in?
Alma: HE WAS ON A BICYCLE! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
911: Did he make any specific threats towards you or your husband?
Alma: HE YELLED AT US AND IT SCARED US, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH? I WANT YOU TO STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS AND SEND ME AN OFFICER RIGHT NOW!!!
911: Could you describe this man and his bicycle so the officers can look while they are coming to your location?
Alma: HE WAS A MAN ON A BICYCLE! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
911: Ok, we'll send an officer to you.
If you think for one minute that frivilous calls like this aren't constantly placed to 911 centers throughout the USA, go sit in and listen in one sometime. I spent fifteen years fielding calls for real emergencies and calls like this "dramatization". Believe me, the frivilous calls outweigh the real emergencies by at least 100 to 1 in my experience.
I hope her cell phone battery died.